Thursday, August 18, 2016

Our Baby B

One week ago, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage with our first pregnancy. I was ten weeks along and as excited as ever to be a mom. I've started and stopped this post a dozen times already. Even as I'm typing this, I'm unsure of whether I want to share it or not.

Please know I am, by no means, writing this post for attention or sympathy. More so as a coping mechanism and therapy for myself.

June 27th, 2016 is a day that I will never forget. This was, by far, one of the most emotional days I have ever had. Shortly after we woke up that morning, we had to deal with the loss of one of our very loved pets. It was unexpected and traumatic and broke our hearts. Zach and I spent most of that morning holding each other and crying. Just trying to process and understand what had happened.

Before all that had happened, when I woke up I had a feeling that I should take a pregnancy test that day. My plan was to take it while Zach was at work that day and have a cute surprise for him when he got home. After the loss of Raider though, I was incredibly emotional and wanted to take it before Zach went to work. I knew it was terrible timing, but after the morning we had, I didn't want to wait. So even though I was still crying, I took the test.

And there it was. A plus sign. And then I was crying for two reasons.

I immediately took it to Zach and he just looked at me and said, "Are you serious?" We had no idea how to process the mix of emotions we were feeling. We were ecstatic and heart broken all at the same time. As the hours and days went on though, our excitement grew and grew. We used Rocky to tell our families only a few days after we found out. There was no way we were going to be able to keep it a secret.

I downloaded way too many baby apps and pinned way too many baby things on Pinterest. I was so excited to see what fruit our baby was the size of that week. We had nursery plans and were constantly talking baby names. I loved every minute of it!

We also told most of our close friends. Everything I read online said to wait until after the first trimester when the chance of miscarriage was much lower. But I didn't want to wait, I wanted to celebrate every minute of our little one's existence and wanted to share with our close friends.

I was careful to follow all of the rules. Limited caffeine, avoided fish and raw eggs, heated up all the deli meat, etc. I lost my nausea pretty early on. In fact I was probably only nauseous for a week or so around week 6. I also had some fairly significant cramping from very early on also. But according to the nurse and everything I read, it was nothing to worry about. I just kept hearing/reading, "Every pregnancy is different. You're just one of the luck ones without morning sickness." So I did my best not to stress about it.  Looking back, though, the timing of it all makes sense.

4th of July. My "before" picture that turned out to be my only picture. Taken at 4.5 weeks, so no bump, obviously.

With the way my doctor's office schedules appointments, I only met with the nurse at 8 weeks for labs and information. I was supposed to have an appointment with the doctor at 10 weeks but she had to reschedule. So 10 weeks in, I hadn't had a chance to talk to my doctor, see the baby, or hear a heartbeat yet.

The night after I was supposed to meet with the doctor (but didn't) we went to an event with some friends. It was actually at the same place that Zach and I were married a little over a year ago and we hadn't been back since. It turned out to be a great evening. Until we got home. I went to the bathroom and noticed I had started spotting. I broke down immediately and went to Zach in tears. It wasn't much and I had read that it can be normal in the first trimester. In fact, I texted a friend about it and she said she had the same thing a couple times when she was pregnant. I did my best to calm down and not stress, but I knew deep down that something was wrong.

I called my doctor's office first thing the next morning and they sent me in for a sonogram. Zach was able to get off work that day thanks to some great coworkers and I was so thankful for that. I called my mom and filled her in and I was much calmer the next morning. I was thinking positively and hoping for the best. Thinking that maybe everything really would be okay.

I went in for the sonogram and knew immediately that everything was definitely not okay. This was the first sonogram I had had, so I didn't know how to look at the pictures, necessarily, but I knew from the tech's response, something was wrong. The tech was silent, didn't say a single word to us (which I found out later is usually the case either way) but my heart just broke. Zach was right next to me, holding my hand, but I couldn't keep it together. I couldn't hold the tears in, and we hadn't heard a single thing yet.

They wouldn't tell me anything at the sonogram office. They told me to go home and my doctor would follow up with me. I left the office knowing that our baby was gone. I didn't need a doctor to tell me. A nurse called me shortly after and asked me to go to the doctor's office on the other side of town to meet with her. I asked the nurse to please just tell me what she knows. That we had been given the silent treatment all morning and we just wanted to hear what was going on.

What the nurse said next are words that I have not been able to get out of my head since. "Your baby is only measuring 7 weeks and we couldn't find a yolk sack. This is indicative of a miscarriage." I could literally feel my heart hurting in that moment. My worst fear had happened. I sobbed in Zach's arms for what felt like an eternity before we made our way back to another doctor's office to be told the terrible news one more time.

The actual miscarriage itself was the worst night of my life but I was also able to use it as a chance to say good-bye. Good-bye to the baby, but also good-bye to the future I had planned with that baby.

I'm not sure I will ever fully understand why this happened. Why we were given such amazing joy for 10 weeks just to have it ripped away. But what I do know is that this baby knew nothing but love for it's entire existence. So, so much love from everyone that knew about him/her. This has definitely been a lesson for me. We thought we had the perfect plan and the perfect timing for this to happen. We didn't necessarily take into account God's timing. So now that I'm no longer in control, I have to keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect. He has a plan for us and it will be amazing.

It may sound dramatic, but at the moment, I feel like I've lost my direction. Like I've lost my purpose. All of my focus was put on becoming a mom, so to have it all ripped away so quickly makes me feel a bit lost. It's very much teaching me that I have to trust God and His plan. That I can't be in control of everything.

In regards to telling all our friends and family earlier than we were "supposed to." Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing and I'll do it all over again if given the chance. Those people got to celebrate in so much joy with us, and those people were there for me in some of the darkest and most painful hours. I can't imagine having to go through this alone, and by letting friends and family in, I don't have to. Given the chance again in the future, I won't keep my pregnancy a secret in fear of a miscarriage. I will tell them BECAUSE of the fear of miscarriage.

It absolutely breaks my heart that I will never get to meet this baby in this world and see what kind of person he/she would grow up to be. I'm not sure I'll ever fully recover from the hurt of that. But I know that one day we will be reunited and I will get to hug my baby!

Until then, Baby B, we love you!

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Family Olympics

Oh, Olympics. I just love you!

I've spent the last few days on the couch streaming every minute of the Olympics. Seriously. I really need to turn it off and get some things done, but I just can't. I love the Olympics!

Every four years when the summer Olympics roll around, my family always gets together for the opening ceremonies and has our own "Family Olympics," complete with decorations, Olympic/USA themed food, and games.

This was our third annual Family Olympics and I don't see the tradition dying anytime soon. In the past, we've competed against each other in all kinds of games: ping pong, badminton, volleyball, basketball, water balloon toss, and even a version of water hockey that my brother rigged up one year.

This year we stuck to more Minute to Win It type games, complete with brackets and all (my family isn't competitive at all ;) )

So much fun!

After we stuffed ourselves and finished our games, we settled down for the Opening Ceremonies. This was a day I had been looking forward to all summer and it did not disappoint!

I just happen to have the exact number of days left of summer as there are left in the Olympics. It may just be a coincidence but I'm taking it as a sign that I'm supposed to spend the rest of my summer being lazy and watching the amazing athletes, so that's what I will do!

Happy Olympics!

Monday, August 1, 2016

Anniversary Trip

This is a late post but I'm finally getting around to blogging about our one year anniversary!

July 18, 2016 was Zach and I's one year anniversary. We decided to spend a few days in the Colorado mountains to celebrate!

We both have a special place in our hearts for the mountains so we try to get out there every chance we get! We also couldn't pass up the chance to take a break from the 100 degree heat for a couple days. It's about a 7 or 8 hour drive for us, so we always get up bright and early so we can be in the mountains by afternoon.

We also decided to add a little bit of difficulty to our trip by bringing Rocky along. Rocky loves, loves the outdoors and this summer heat has been pretty tough on him. He's been stuck inside a lot more than he or we would like. We weren't sure how he'd do on the long car trip but we knew it'd be worth it when we got there and he could get out and explore the mountains with us! (Or so we thought ... )

Rocky did great in the car and our first stop in Denver was for him. We knew he'd need to blow off some steam before we went to the hotel, so we took him to possibly the coolest dog park he will ever go to!

The dogs got to run and play in this creek to cool off. Rocky isn't the biggest fan of water so he wasn't as enthusiastic about it as other dogs were, but it was fun to watch him get his feet wet and start venturing a little deeper the longer we were there.

If you look close you can see him on the far side of the creek. The only dog not in the water, haha.

We cleaned him up and headed to the hotel after that. Thank you Hyatt for allowing dogs to stay! From there, we headed to an early dinner and crashed soon after. We had to be up early for our hike the next day, so we made sure to get to bed early.

Monday -- Our Anniversary

Even on our honeymoon we were discussing where we wanted to spend our first anniversary. We were laying on the beach and wondering if we should come back. As much as I would have loved another beach trip, I told Zach that I wanted to spend our first anniversary on top of a mountain. So that's what we did!

Zach planned out Mt. Bierstadt for us. It was fairly close to Denver and, from what we read, one of the easiest 14ers in Colorado. Only about 8 miles round trip. We have both hiked (or ran in Zach's case) more difficult mountains separately and if it was just the two of us we would have chosen something more challenging, but we wanted to make sure Rocky could handle it too.

We got to the trailhead early and saw quite a few other people and dogs getting geared up for the mountain. We got ourselves and Rocky ready and started our trek.

It was a beautiful morning! Chilly enough for a jacket but not too cold. It was perfect! Rocky did great on the way up! He was leading us most of the way and was very good about stopping when I wanted to take pictures or rest.

The scenery was amazing, of course! It was the whole reason we decided to hike a mountain and it did not disappoint! So here is my overload of pictures of it ...

Rocky was still doing great up to almost the very top. The summit of the mountain was mainly just large boulders without a clear path. We had to hop from boulder to boulder and Rocky struggled a little bit with his footing. It was at this point that we also started to notice he really did not want to jump down onto lower boulders. We didn't think much of it, just thought he might be a little afraid, but were a little concerned already for our way back down from the summit.

We made it to the top!

We stayed long enough to take a few pictures and enjoy the views, but we also wanted to get moving back down so we could beat the afternoon thunderstorms. It took us about 3 hours to get up and we were figuring about 1.5 hours or so back down.

That didn't happen. Not even close. 

At the summit, Rocky laid down and would not get back up. He had plenty of food and water and wasn't acting like anything was wrong so we weren't sure what was going on.

Then we checked his paws. I have never felt like a worse dog mom then at that moment! The pads on this poor paws were torn to shreds and completely falling off. We had no idea! He was absolutely fine going up, didn't show any signs of pain, but then it suddenly made sense why he didn't want to jump down the boulders.

So, Zach made the decision to carry him down the boulder part until we got to the actual trail, then we were hoping it would be easier on his paws.

Keep in mind that Rocky is 60 pounds and Zach is a runner, non a weight lifter. It was not easy for him and I can't pick Rocky up, so I was of no help.

We eventually got off the boulders and got Rocky on to the trail. We were trying to stay positive that he would be able to walk on his own because there was going to be no way Zach was going to be able to carry him in his arms for almost 4 more miles.

Nope. We didn't get so lucky. As soon as Zach would put Rocky down, he would just lay down and not get back up. He would not budge.

We had to figure something else out. We tried to rig up our backpack to help carry him. We tried to put band-aids and our gloves on Rocky's paws to protect them. We tried everything we could think of but nothing worked. It was at this point we started to get pretty scared and weren't sure what we were going to do. We knew the afternoon thunderstorms would hit at some point and we just started praying.

We eventually figured out a way to sling Rocky over Zach's shoulders and we were able to make it a little ways at a time. It was very slow moving, but at least we were moving. Tons of people were passing us telling us how cute it looked. Yeah, that wasn't helping. We didn't want to look cute, we wanted help!

It took us probably 2 hours to make it a mile. Zach was doing everything he could and making it as far as he could each time before he had to put Rocky down to rest. There wasn't much I could do other than pray.

We kept moving, slowly but surely, and with about 1-1.5 miles to go, God answered our prayers! A man named Nick, out of the goodness of his own heart, stopped to help. He offered to help carry Rocky and take turns with Zach. I almost cried. We were able to move so much faster and they could each take a break while the other carried.

We were so, so thankful! I don't know what we would have done if Nick wouldn't of offered to help. Zach was doing everything he could but was about to the point of exhaustion. With Nick's help, we kept moving.

We finally, finally got back to the parking lot and I have never been more thankful! Nick refused to take anything from us as a way of a thank you and just wanted it to be a good deed. I hope more than anything that good karma comes back to Nick. I hope he wins the lottery or something! He deserves it! God showed us that day that there are truly good people in this world who have big hearts and who genuinely want to help. We could never thank him enough!!

As soon as we got to the car we heard thunder, and we lost it. We were so emotional and it hit us just how scary that was and how close we were to being stuck up on the mountain in the storm. It took us about four hours to get down. So much longer than anticipated.

This is a pic as we were driving away but that is how far Rocky had to be carried.

I started calling vets right away and we found a walk-in clinic right by our hotel. Rocky walked out with the "cone of shame."

He also got some new little socks to help keep his paws clean.

We were planning on doing much more with our short trip to the mountains. We wanted to explore and enjoy Colorado more, but after the mountain, we were done. We ordered food and ate it in the hotel room and didn't leave the room until the next morning.

The worst part was, after the mountain, Rocky had to be carried everywhere! Into the vets, into the hotel, every time he needed to go to the bathroom, every where. Zach's arms were so sore, but he handled it like a champ. He was so amazing with the whole thing.

We headed back home the next morning. We didn't have the energy for any other adventuring and Rocky couldn't walk. It's not at all what we had planned for our anniversary, but it's not one we will soon forget!

However, even with all the unexpected events, I did get my wish of being on top of a mountain for our first anniversary! Thank you, Zach!!

And I'm happy to report that Rocky is all healed up and just as energized as ever! (And yes, we know now that we should have put doggie booties on him. We heard that plenty of times on the way down. Lesson learned.)

Friday, July 15, 2016

Friday Favorites

Happy Friday!
Fridays aren't near as exciting for a teacher during the summer as they are during the school year. They just mean we're one week closer to the school year starting again. Although, Zach and I are headed out for a fun little date night tonight to watch a community play, so still something to look forward to!

 Linking up today to share some of my favorite things around here lately and just some random life moments. And I do mean random. Bear with me!

Olympic Trials

Was anyone else glued to their TV (well computer in our case) watching every moment of the Olympic trials? Every 4 years I get so invested in EVERY SINGLE Olympic sport! I just love when the Olympics come around.

This was what the Bailor household looked like many evenings last week.

Royals and Olympic Trials! #cablelesslife

There were so many nail-biting, gut wrenching performances on the track!

 I was happy to see Brenda Martinez qualify in the 1500 after getting tripped and knocked out in the 800. It definitely was a close call though!

Men's 1500 wasn't any more calm. I've always like watching Matthew Centrowitz run and it just amazes me how easy he makes it look. I was really bummed for Leo! I was pulling for him!

And of course, Allyson Felix! She's been a favorite of mine (and the rest of the USA, right?) for so long. How do you not root for her? That come back in the 400 was incredible! I'm sad she won't get to complete the double that she (and everyone else) was hoping for, but happy for another chance to watch her run!

So many others I could mention. I probably could write an entire Friday Favorites on the track trials alone but I'm assuming most of you would have stopped reading a long time ago! #tracknerd

I also got really caught up in the women's gymnastics. These girls are just amazing and I love hearing all their stories. Can't wait to watch them again in a few weeks!

 Speaking of women's gymnastics, did anyone else see this interview with the Magnificent Seven team from 1996? Even though it was 20 years ago and I was 7 years old at the time, I remember how much I looked up to and adored watching these women! I had their poster hung on my wall for years! It's so neat to see what they're all up to now.

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to watching the Olympics in a few weeks!


Ok, I told you this was going to be random. Does anyone else use the Ibotta app? I recently discovered it and am pretty impressed! Grocery shopping is NOT a favorite of mine, not even close. So I love finding things to make it just a little bit better. Ibotta offers  cash back on grocery items, many of which I already buy anyway.  Like bread, eggs, milk...etc. It's not a ton of money on each item but it definitely adds up!

If you've never used it, you should check it out! If you use a referral code, you get a free $10.00 when you redeem your first item. My code is djdycbt -- feel free to use it and get yourself some free cash!

Family Time

Summer has consisted of a lot of fun family time and I've been loving every minute!

My sis-in-law threw my brother a surprise 30th birthday party and these two buddies were matching!

 So cute! #bluesclues

On the 3rd of July (because Zach had to work on the 4th), we ventured a couple hours east to see some extended family. We got to see my great-grandma, Nanny, who I could never say enough about! I got a chance to live with her for a semester a few years ago and I loved every minute of it! I don't see her near enough now so I love taking advantage of the chances I do have!

We also got our fish on at my grandpa's pond!

Zach was the lucky winner of our biggest and only catch! Haha!

We spent the evening of the 3rd in our backyard with our own fire and watched all the neighborhood fireworks. Much cheaper that way!

We spent the 4th with a few friends and this was the only picture I took. Oops!

#carselfie #Zachwearsthatshirteveryyear

A week or so ago it occurred to me that it's July and I haven't had a reason to put a swimsuit on all summer. I feel like that's some sort of crime! So to remedy that, my sister and I planned a day to take our niece and nephew to the pool. Of course, the day we picked ended up being the coolest and cloudiest of the summer! We went anyway but it was not near as enjoyable as I was hoping! Brrr!  

This was on my TimeHop that same day!

How is he 5??

We didn't last too long at the pool, instead we headed home and made some cookies. Then Grant tried to teach us Pokémon Go.

 We never really actually figured out. He just kept telling us "We need to go to the library or the church bell tower." So we did, but didn't find anything. Except the tile I made for the library garden when I was little.

Unfortunately, my artistic skills haven't improved much since then.

I've seen so many complaints about this game and I don't really understand them. Even if it is just a fad, and even if it is Pokémon, what's so wrong with getting people out of the house and moving? I don't actually play it, but I am by no means going to bash anything that is encouraging movement and fresh air!


Now that my marathon is over, I've gotten to hang out with this guy on walks a whole lot more!

It's way less frustrating now that  I can go at his pace and we both enjoy it a lot more! We walk a few miles almost every morning and that's basically the extent of my exercise lately. I haven't gone on a single run since the marathon (except when Rocky power walks too fast and I can't keep up unless I jog) and I don't feel a single bit of guilt about it!

The other day, Zach was at work and I was home alone. I heard a crash and kind of freaked out because Rocky was laying next to me and Macy is always just sleeping during the day. I searched the house, timidly, and the last room I checked, I saw this.

This stinker can't resist a good box! He'd be a great hide and seek player! ;)

Monday is Zach and I's one year anniversary! We are taking a quick trip to Colorado to spend our day in the mountains! A place we both love! We're taking Rocky with us on his first road trip and I have no idea how that's going to go, so wish us luck!

Have a great weekend!